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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A step back...

Motherhood has been an amazing journey so far but I feel like I am on a bit of a roller coaster sometimes.  Over the past few months, Stella has become this happy, interactive little girl.  She really only fusses when she is hungry and tired and both of those things have easy solutions so we have been able to maintain a pretty calm and happy household.  We've been able to travel easily, go out in public for extended periods of time and have fun as a family. 

Stella has been a little dream baby lately.  She is so flexible and happy to go with the flow and be social so it has made life more fun and exciting.  This weekend we went back to visit our family in Auburn and she was so content being at events and being with other people.  She would even bop to music when it was played.  I just glowed watching her interact with everyone and seeing how happy she is.  I finally felt like I was getting a grip on this whole mothering thing...finally getting really confident in my abilities and with my instincts and then sure enough, I get a curve ball.

We had Stella's 9 month check up yesterday and she has lost weight.  She went from being on the 50th percentile to being on the 5th for weight.  She is back at her 4 month weight which is just shocking!  I had a feeling she might be the same weight as her 6 month check up but I had no idea she had lost 2 pounds!!  The girl is an eater! I am still breastfeeding her on demand.  When she is fussy, she eats as long as it is within reason (meaning I wasn't feeding her every 30 minutes but she never goes longer than 4 hours without eating).  I was doing what I thought was really best for my baby and breast feeding her and she was not getting enough nutrients from me.  In addition to breastfeeding, she also eats solids 2-3 times per day and gets plenty of cereal puffs and fruits and veggies in her mesh feeder.  She was so content and happy after breastfeeding that she didn't ever seem hungry or like she wasn't getting enough. 

When I look at the situation, my logical brain knows that it isn't my fault and that I was doing the best I could but my emotional brain is dealing with a lot of guilt right now.  How could I not have seen that kind of weight loss?  What could I have done better?  What am I doing wrong?  What if this affects her long term?  UGH!!!! It is so frustrating.  My mommy confidence is really shaken by this whole thing and I feel extremely guilty for letting this occur to my sweet, sweet baby!  I was doing everything that my instincts told me I was supposed to do and I thought everything was as it should be but it turns out I was wrong.  Again, I know logically that I was doing the best that I could but it is really hard to swallow that this could happen right under my nose.

The doctor, although very concerned, was great about reassuring us that he knew we were loving parents and would never neglect Stella.  He noted that he wrote that in his notes so that the insurance company would not put a red flag up about neglect due to her stats.  Just writing that word breaks my heart!  The fact that based off of the numbers presented someone could think that my baby was neglected!  That just pains me to the core of who I am.

The doctor has asked us to supplement in 3x 8oz bottles of formula per day, along with 3x solid feedings and I will continue to breastfeed.  So far we haven't been able to get her to drink more than 5oz and she refuses solids if she's taken in that much formula but I know that it will be a slow process to get her used to that much food.  Baby steps for Miss Stella.  We will be seen back in 1 month.  Please pray for her and her growth.

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